3 steps to writing a eulogy
You’ve probably heard amazing eulogies and so-so eulogies. Maybe the eulogy made you cry. Maybe the eulogy made you laugh. Or maybe the eulogy made you shake your head and say, “Did that person ever meet (fill in your loved one’s name)?” Worse yet, perhaps the eulogy left you feeling nothing at all.
What is a eulogy anyway?
Eulogy stems from the Greek language and means to praise with good words. This is the typical approach to memorializing the life of someone: we highlight their good words and sometimes gloss over or ignore their blemishes.
3 steps to writing a eulogy
Step 1: Give the whole picture
The first step in developing a eulogy is to consider the whole person. Sometimes our moms, dads, loved ones, friends are not perfect humans with stunning careers and amazing life achievements. Sometimes people die young. Sometimes people take their own life. If we approach the eulogy with only good praise, we may not be honoring the whole person.
If you know the person well, I recommend starting a free write, stream of consciousness for about 15 to 20 minutes. Allow yourself to write everything and anything that comes to mind. No censoring, allow all of it to flow.
Then walk away. Put the writing away for an hour or full day if you’re got the time. Then come back to it. Read your writing without shame or embarrassment. See what’s there. See if you can identify certain themes, timeframes, stories, activities, people that stand out. Then begin organizing your content around these themes.
Step 2: Review and edit with the person who has final approval
Make sure to meet with whoever is the final approver of the eulogy: the spouse, family member, friend. Depending on your relationship to the deceased, you may be able to write the eulogy on your own with little input. Sometimes though you may need to interview some of the family members to get some more information or make sure you can share certain stories or information.
Again, you are speaking not just for you, but you may be speaking on behalf of a widow or widower who cannot take on the emotional toll of public speaking.
Step 3: Practice, practice, practice
People often underestimate how difficult public speaking is when discussing the loss of a loved one. This difficulty increases exponentially when the loss is sudden and unexpected.
As a professor of communication studies, I always require every student to speak in my class. Starting on day 1. Speaking in public with clear delivery and coherent content is a requirement for life. Delivering a eulogy requires clear delivery, coherent content, plus presence, empathy, and compassion.
Tips for practicing
Practice holding electronic device or papers
Depending on whether your reading from printed paper or an electronic device, practice speaking with it. It’s one thing to read your eulogy on the computer. It’s quite another thing to stand up, hold papers or a smart tablet and deliver a eulogy.
People take for granted their smart phone or other handheld device will work, that Internet will be available, that the lightening will benefit them, etc.
With a nod to the old school ways, print out a copy. This way you know you have a back up. And make sure to practice with the paper copies.
Tone and speed
When practicing make note of your tone and speed by recording yourself or having someone listen to you. Are you speaking too fast? Too slow? Do you mumble? Are their certain parts that you tear up? By practicing the eulogy out loud, you are giving yourself an opportunity to rehearse and prepare and identify any trouble areas before the official service.
Peak point and time
When practicing make note if your eulogy takes listening through a slow build up to a peak point and then brings them down to the end of the eulogy. Is there a natural peak, a crescendo with a clear finish? Make note of how long your speech is and make sure it is in alignment of expectations with the family.